Post by Armand on Mar 9, 2006 14:12:42 GMT
As we all know Lestat played Lelio and here we have a play with him *gg*
Lelio & Flaminia
A Commedia dell'Arte Theatre Piece
Contemporary play copyright © 00 Behind The Reflection. All Rights Reserved.
This play has content of a sexual nature. This site holds no responsability for sensitive viewers.
You understand we were free to improvise as much as we wanted, and that is what all the fun was about, but this is the basic play.
Prologue
(enter entire cast)
All:I Think I See Its Head! (all but Columbine exit)
Columbine: (reads from card) The play we are about to present contains material of an adult nature....oooh!.... including adult language, adult situations, and strong sexual content....that's not in my contract!.... and is not recommended for young children or the morally correct. Thank you! (exits)
Scene I
Flaminia: (enters) I'm Flaminia, in love with Lelio. But my father, Pantalone, won't let me marry him!
Lelio: (enters) I'm Lelio, in love with Flaminia. But her father, Pantalone, won't let her marry me! (both sigh) Flaminia, will you marry me?
Flaminia: With all my heart, yes yes yes!
Pantalone: (enters) With all my money? No no no!
Lelio: Oh, Pantalone! May we please get married? May we?
Pantalone: No, you may not get married! Mais non! Flaminia has been promised to the Captain, and she'll marry the Captain or I'll....I'll....I'll tell her mother, Ruffiana. (all scream)
Lelio & Flaminia: Ruffiana?
Pantalone: Yes, Ruffiana, a woman with a heart of stone and the private parts to match! A woman who knows no mercy! She wrestles sailors with both feet tied behind her back!
Lelio: Feet?
Pantalone: Yes, it WAS a feat, a feat of strength and a feat of skill (shows off biceps), when I held her down long enough to plant the seed that became our Flaminia. So, keep your eyes and your hands to yourself, you rapscallion hooligan, or my wife will have your head for a trophy, mounted above our fireplace.
Lelio: Mounted above your fireplace?
Pantalone: Yes, my wife will mount you above our fireplace! So keep away from my daughter! (exits, dragging Flaminia)
Lelio: Oh, woe is me!
Arlecchino: (enters) Woe is you? You is right here!
Lelio: Oh, Arlecchino, faithful servant who is clever and possesses a hunger that is never satisfied even after a harvest day feast, what shall I do? My only true love, Flaminia, has been taken away by her father, Pantalone, so that she may marry a Captain! We are doomed!
Arlecchino: I've got it! We'll drop Pantalone into a cannon, and light the fuse!
Lelio: But who will handle the ejection?
Arlecchino: Then we'll fill a syringe with poison, trick him into dropping his trousers, and jab him when his back is turned.
Lelio But who will handle the injection?
Arlecchino: Then we'll fill his stomach with cement, and when it hardens we'll put him in the town square as a statue.
Lelio: But who will handle the erection?
Arlecchino: You're right; you're doomed! Wait! All you have to do is get Flaminia pregnant...then he'll have to let you marry her!
Lelio: You're right! That's a great idea! There's only one thing.....how do I get her pregnant? (both think)
Arlecchino: I know! Let's ask...the Doctor! (both turn to the Doctor's entrance.) Let's ask....the Doctor! (both turn again, still no Doctor) The Doctor, an old man whose wisdom is only surpassed by his years, and whose sense of hearing is only surpassed by his fading memories of the past. I say to you, Lelio, let's ask....the Doctor!
Doctor: (enters) Did I hear my name?
Arlecchino: Apparently not. They always say, the first thing to go is the hearing, and then it's the memory.
Doctor: What?
Arlecchino: I forgot.
Doctor: What's this I hear about a woman being pregnant? (turns to Lelio) Is this the young lady in question?
Lelio: I'm no lady! (the Doctor is meanwhile finding this out on his own....)
Doctor: That's no lady! (checks to see if Arlecchino is the "lady") That's no lady! (Columbine enters, the Doctor checks her) Oh, now, that's a lady! Now, miss, just sit down, this won't hurt a bit. (he lays Columbine down, with both of her feet up in the air) Now, let's see here, (he begins to explore inside Columbine, and his head and most of his upper body disappears from view) I think I see its head! (he emerges from within Columbine, holding up a pink colored fish triumphantly) Congratulation, you are the proud mother of a baby salmon!
Columbine: That's not salmon, that's pink!
Doctor: Not salmon?
Arlecchino: Wait, the salmon.....the pink....the FISH is trying to tell us something! (all lean in) Closer! (all lean in some more. slowly, Arlecchino opens the fish up, to reveal a folded piece of paper inside.) It says.....wait, I can't make it out.....(he turns the paper upside down).....it says.... I can't read! (he hands it to Lelio)
Lelio: It says.....(sly look to audience).....everyone exits except Lelio, and Flaminia enters. (all shrug, and exit. Flaminia enters.)
Flaminia: Oh, Lelio, you are so clever, and smart.
Lelio: And handsome.
Flaminia: Don't push it.
Lelio: Flaminia, I have a plan.
Flaminia: A plan! What is it?
Lelio: It's a method of achieving something, but that's not important right now. There is one way that your father will HAVE to let you marry me.
Flaminia: Oh, Lelio, what can it be? All you have to do is tell me about it, and I will do it gladly, for you are my one and only love. Your plan will be flawless, I know, because you are the smartest man I have ever met.
Lelio: We must get you pregnant.
Flaminia: You are the dumbest man I have ever met. How dare you insult my chastity! I am going home now, to pout and sulk as only I can do! (she exits)
Lelio: Oh, no! Now what shall I do? Arlecchino!
Arlecchino: (enters) Yes, Lelio?
Lelio: Flaminia does not want to get pregnant.
Arlecchino: I've got it! I will get Columbine pregnant!
Lelio: I don't see how that helps.
Arlecchino: No, but it will be a lot of fun! (Lelio hits him) Ow! What I meant to say was that then, she will confess her condition to Flaminia, who will have no choice but to get pregnant as well, to keep Columbine company!
Lelio: Will this plan work?
Arlecchino: Trust me! I've been trying to get Columbine pregnant for years! (slow realization) It'll never work!
Columbine: (enters) I'm going to have a baby!
Arlecchino: ( We don't know if he didn't hear her or if he is extremely surprised ) What?!
Columbine: You heard me! I'm going to have a baby!
Arlecchino: A baby! (he hugs her) Is it mine?
Columbine: Oh! (she drags him offstage, yelling at him)
Lelio: This is wonderful! (Pantalone enters, unseen) Now that Columbine is having a baby, surely Flaminia will want to have MY baby.
Pantalone: (beats Lelio with his cane) Flaminia won't be having anyone's baby, you lowlife rascal! And stop chasing her! (he chases Lelio offstage)
Scene II
(Enter Flaminia, with Columbine close behind.)
Columbine: Oh, Flaminia, I've got a bun in the oven. I've swallowed a watermelon seed. I'm pregnant.
Flaminia: Heavens to Jupiter! Maybe you should sit down.
Columbine: I'm so worried. If only I knew someone else who was pregnant, then we could share the experience together. I just feel so....alone in my fertility.
Flaminia: So....alone. (aside) If I were to get pregnant, I would be able to marry my Lelio, and Columbine would not feel alone.
Columbine: Yes, yes!
Flaminia: Columbine!
Columbine: Yes?
Flaminia: I will get pregnant, too, so that we can be pregnant together!
Columbine: O joy!
Lelio: (enters) O rapture!
Flaminia: Lelio, take me now! (she unzips his trousers, and buries her head inside. Lelio gives sight and sound gag reactions. Her head reemerges) I think I see its head!
Lelio: Come to me, my precious flower! (they run offstage)
Arlecchino: (enters) What happened?
Columbine: Good news! She thinks she saw its head!
Arlecchino: Really? (he lifts her skirt and searches underneath) I don't see anything.....Oh! Oh! (he reemerges, wearing a skull handpuppet)
The Handpuppet: I knew him, Horatio.
Arlecchino: Horatio? You told me it was mine! (he chases Columbine offstage)
Scene III
(Enter the Doctor and Pantalone.)
Doctor: Pantalone! Your breath smells horrible!
Pantalone: It does?
Doctor: Like spoilt milk. Open your mouth. (the Doctor explores) Yes, I'm afraid we're going to have to take out two or three rotten teeth, Pantalone.
Pantalone: Rotten?
Doctor: Would you like something for the pain?
Pantalone: Oh, yes.
Doctor: Columbine!
Columbine: (enters, now several months pregnant) Yes, doctor! Here are those malpractice lawsuits I was telling you about. (she hands him a stack of papers)
Doctor: This man would like something for the pain.
Columbine: Something for the pain. (she hands him a large mallet. The Doctor hits Pantalone with the mallet.)
Pantalone: That's much better.
Doctor: Scalpel. Forceps. Tweezers. Axe. (Columbine hands him each item as it is called for. Shtick after shtick, with Pantalone gasping and wheezing and crying out in pain or whatever.) Wait! (the Doctor peers down Pantalone's throat.) I think I see something! (Columbine hits the Doctor) I mean....I think I see its head! (Columbine smiles. The Doctor asks Columbine How come I never get to see any tail? (Columbine hits him) Oh! As I was saying, I think I see its head! (The Doctor begins to pull a large snake or something out of Pantalone's mouth. Perhaps it is a tapeworm.) Pantalone! How have you lived all these years with a snake?
Pantalone: Don't you talk about my wife like that! Why, if Ruffiana heard you....
All: (scream) Ruffiana!
Pantalone: Exactly! Why, I remember one time, we were making love....(he pulls out a drawing which shows Pantalone and Ruffiana making love)....here, you can see what kind of a woman she is!
Doctor: I don't think I understand this part here. (points to the drawing)
Pantalone: Oh, that's the part where Ruffiana.....
Flaminia: (enters) Father! Father! I'm pregnant!
Pantalone: Pregnant! How can this be?
Doctor: (points to drawing) I think you were about to explain that.
Pantalone: You don't look pregnant to me.
Flaminia: Oh, I'm not showing yet. (she places a pillow underneath her shirt so that she becomes pregnant-looking) There, now I'm showing.
Doctor: All this talk about pregnancy is making me hungry. Arlecchino!
Arlecchino: (enters dressed as maid) Sir!
Doctor: I'll have the fish.
Arlecchino: Very good, sir. (he hands the Doctor a pink fish)
Flaminia: Father! Father!
Pantalone: Yes, what is it this time?
Flaminia: Now that I'm pregnant, you'll have to let me marry.....Lelio, won't you? (Lelio appears in some noble stance....astride a horse, in military uniform, or something.)
Pantalone: That loser! Give me one good reason...... (Flaminia pats her belly) .....give me two good reasons.....
Flaminia: (Flaminia ruffles with the pillow) I'm having twins.
Pantalone: Oh! (he pulls his hair.....a realization) Flaminia, it's not really up to me. I think you should ask....Ruffiana!
All: (scream) Ruffiana!
Pantalone: Yes, Ruffiana! Aren't those her footsteps now? (all listen) Yes, I think I hear her!
Lelio: Oh, Arlecchino, what will we do?
Arlecchino: Tie Ruffiana up and throw her in the river?
Lelio: Arlecchino, this is no time for dry humor! (Arlecchino squirts him with a cup of water)
Doctor: We must disguise ourselves. That way, Ruffiana will not be able to determine which of us she wants to kill.
Pantalone: That will never work! Ruffiana will be able to tell that we're wearing costumes! We won't look like natural people! (he gestures to his prosthetic nose)
Doctor: We shall put on a play. Ruffiana will think that we are all travelling players, and in her ignorance, she will spare our lives!
All: Yes! (they run about, and huddle behind a piece of fabric. A Mysterious Figure enters, and sits down to watch the play. The audience thinks that the Mysterious Figure is Ruffiana.)
Columbine: (appears from behind fabric wearing masquerade masks. Flaminia is hoisted above the fabric, cradling a baby. The baby is the Handpuppet.)
Handpuppet: I knew him, Horatio. (Flaminia and Handpuppet are lowered out of sight)
Columbine: Meanwhile, the witch, for purposes of her own, revealed how the Baker might remove the spell. (Arlecchino is lifted up above the fabric.)
Arlecchino: You wish to have the verse rehearsed? I'll need a piece of liverwurst. (he holds up a piece of liverwurst, and is lowered out of sight)
Columbine: But the angry mother soon repented, and realized that it was only proper for her daughter to marry the man she loved. (She snatches away the fabric. Arlecchino, Pantalone, and the Doctor all back away from Lelio and Flaminia. All pantomime clapping, but only the Doctor actually claps. It should look like the Doctor is clapping because he is too stupid not to clap.)
Lelio: Flaminia, I mean, whoever, will you marry me.
Flaminia: Lelio, I mean, handsome, you are my twin brother.....I'm not sure that would be legal. (She looks to others in confusion. All express exasperation that she is taking the part so seriously.) But, yes, I will marry you!
(The Mysterious Figure makes a dramatic gesture of alarm.)
Flaminia: Oh, mother, but we love each other! Don't we? (Lelio is not paying attention. Flaminia hits him.)
Lelio: Oh! Yes, we love each other! (they dimple)
(The Mysterious Figure turns away, not convinced. What can satisfy her? Flaminia gestures frantically, and All gather and kneel before the Figure.)
All: Oh, Ruffiana! Have mercy! Their love is a true love!
(The Mysterious Figure shrugs "well, alright!" The Figure removes its cloak to reveal Scapino.)
Scapino: Kids, you've got my blessing. (All are disgusted at this turn of events. Loud footsteps are heard.)
All: Ruffiana! (they scream. All resume their places behind the fabric. Scapino puts back on his cloak and runs around, since he won't fit behind the fabric. He runs behind the fabric, and Pantalone is pushed out the other side [because there is no room....as though it were a long bench]. Pantalone pushes back, and Scapino is pushed back out. Scapino assumes a stance of nonchalance, leaning against an imaginary pole. Another Mysterious Figure [I'm going to call it Ruffiana for simplicity's sake] enters. Ruffiana and Scapino do a double take [sic] when they see each other. They both haunch down, and prowl around each other, like dogs who aren't sure whether they are going to fight or just sniff. Eventually they get close to each other, and sniff. Then they are friends: they shake hands in the manner of a secret society, and give each other a bear hug. The handshake is rhythmic, and turns into a little dance, ending with a kickline. Then Ruffiana has had enough of this, and snaps her fingers. Scapino runs over to the fabric.)
Scapino: (moment of not sure what to do. Snaps his fingers. The fabric shrinks back down, and is rearranged and pulled to tight to read: The Grand Finale.) The Grand Finale!
Ruffiana: (moment of tension before Ruffiana speaks.) Oh, that's much better. (she pulls out the Handpuppet and begins to stroke it in her lap, like a cat.)
Scapino: (as though reading aloud the Bible) And so, he WAS cast out and stepped upon, and his wife and children were beated with a stick, a large stick, and they all became lepers and were killed. (the fabric is lowered. All look at Scapino.)
Columbine: And so, the happy two were wedded..... (Flaminia and Lelio join hands) and everyone lived happily ever after, because their love was a true love.
All: The End. (All bow. When they bow, their maskerade masks all fall off. Ruffiana stands up, and takes off her cloak. All are frightened.)
Ruffiana: Pantalone! (Pantalone crosses to her, timidly.) I think you should wait for me at home. It looks like I'm gonna have to mount you above the fireplace. (Pantalone winces, exits.) Flaminia! (Flaminia comes forward.) You think that love is the answer?
Flaminia: What's the question?
Ruffiana: (moment of consideration) On second thought, love may be all you need. Doctor!
Doctor: Here!
Ruffiana: Marry my daughter...
Doctor: Oh, Ruffiana! (he rubs his hands together at the notion)
Ruffiana: To this young man here.
Lelio: Oh, Ruffiana! (he and Flaminia assume lovers pose)
Ruffiana: And as for you....(to Arlecchino)..... I'll see you at our usual time. (wink, nudge)
Columbine: Oh, Arlecchino! How could you!
(Ruffiana holds up the Handpuppet)
Handpuppet: I knew him, Horatio. (Ruffiana exits dramatically.)
Doctor: (not seeing, he is facing the wrong direction) By the power vested in me by.....Ruffiana....I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Flaminia: Doctor! We're over here! (Doctor finally gets his glasses on)
Doctor: Oh! Then I must have married YOU! (pointing to Columbine and Arlecchino)
Arlecchino: Married! Then you'll have to forgive me!
Columbine: I will?
Lelio: Oh, Doctor, marry us so we can fight, too!
Doctor: I now pronounce you husband and wife. (Flaminia hits Lelio.)
Lelio: Yup, we're married.
All: (turn to face audience) And so, the happy four were wedded, and everyone lived happily ever after, because their love was a true love.
F I N E
Lelio & Flaminia
A Commedia dell'Arte Theatre Piece
Contemporary play copyright © 00 Behind The Reflection. All Rights Reserved.
This play has content of a sexual nature. This site holds no responsability for sensitive viewers.
You understand we were free to improvise as much as we wanted, and that is what all the fun was about, but this is the basic play.
Prologue
(enter entire cast)
All:I Think I See Its Head! (all but Columbine exit)
Columbine: (reads from card) The play we are about to present contains material of an adult nature....oooh!.... including adult language, adult situations, and strong sexual content....that's not in my contract!.... and is not recommended for young children or the morally correct. Thank you! (exits)
Scene I
Flaminia: (enters) I'm Flaminia, in love with Lelio. But my father, Pantalone, won't let me marry him!
Lelio: (enters) I'm Lelio, in love with Flaminia. But her father, Pantalone, won't let her marry me! (both sigh) Flaminia, will you marry me?
Flaminia: With all my heart, yes yes yes!
Pantalone: (enters) With all my money? No no no!
Lelio: Oh, Pantalone! May we please get married? May we?
Pantalone: No, you may not get married! Mais non! Flaminia has been promised to the Captain, and she'll marry the Captain or I'll....I'll....I'll tell her mother, Ruffiana. (all scream)
Lelio & Flaminia: Ruffiana?
Pantalone: Yes, Ruffiana, a woman with a heart of stone and the private parts to match! A woman who knows no mercy! She wrestles sailors with both feet tied behind her back!
Lelio: Feet?
Pantalone: Yes, it WAS a feat, a feat of strength and a feat of skill (shows off biceps), when I held her down long enough to plant the seed that became our Flaminia. So, keep your eyes and your hands to yourself, you rapscallion hooligan, or my wife will have your head for a trophy, mounted above our fireplace.
Lelio: Mounted above your fireplace?
Pantalone: Yes, my wife will mount you above our fireplace! So keep away from my daughter! (exits, dragging Flaminia)
Lelio: Oh, woe is me!
Arlecchino: (enters) Woe is you? You is right here!
Lelio: Oh, Arlecchino, faithful servant who is clever and possesses a hunger that is never satisfied even after a harvest day feast, what shall I do? My only true love, Flaminia, has been taken away by her father, Pantalone, so that she may marry a Captain! We are doomed!
Arlecchino: I've got it! We'll drop Pantalone into a cannon, and light the fuse!
Lelio: But who will handle the ejection?
Arlecchino: Then we'll fill a syringe with poison, trick him into dropping his trousers, and jab him when his back is turned.
Lelio But who will handle the injection?
Arlecchino: Then we'll fill his stomach with cement, and when it hardens we'll put him in the town square as a statue.
Lelio: But who will handle the erection?
Arlecchino: You're right; you're doomed! Wait! All you have to do is get Flaminia pregnant...then he'll have to let you marry her!
Lelio: You're right! That's a great idea! There's only one thing.....how do I get her pregnant? (both think)
Arlecchino: I know! Let's ask...the Doctor! (both turn to the Doctor's entrance.) Let's ask....the Doctor! (both turn again, still no Doctor) The Doctor, an old man whose wisdom is only surpassed by his years, and whose sense of hearing is only surpassed by his fading memories of the past. I say to you, Lelio, let's ask....the Doctor!
Doctor: (enters) Did I hear my name?
Arlecchino: Apparently not. They always say, the first thing to go is the hearing, and then it's the memory.
Doctor: What?
Arlecchino: I forgot.
Doctor: What's this I hear about a woman being pregnant? (turns to Lelio) Is this the young lady in question?
Lelio: I'm no lady! (the Doctor is meanwhile finding this out on his own....)
Doctor: That's no lady! (checks to see if Arlecchino is the "lady") That's no lady! (Columbine enters, the Doctor checks her) Oh, now, that's a lady! Now, miss, just sit down, this won't hurt a bit. (he lays Columbine down, with both of her feet up in the air) Now, let's see here, (he begins to explore inside Columbine, and his head and most of his upper body disappears from view) I think I see its head! (he emerges from within Columbine, holding up a pink colored fish triumphantly) Congratulation, you are the proud mother of a baby salmon!
Columbine: That's not salmon, that's pink!
Doctor: Not salmon?
Arlecchino: Wait, the salmon.....the pink....the FISH is trying to tell us something! (all lean in) Closer! (all lean in some more. slowly, Arlecchino opens the fish up, to reveal a folded piece of paper inside.) It says.....wait, I can't make it out.....(he turns the paper upside down).....it says.... I can't read! (he hands it to Lelio)
Lelio: It says.....(sly look to audience).....everyone exits except Lelio, and Flaminia enters. (all shrug, and exit. Flaminia enters.)
Flaminia: Oh, Lelio, you are so clever, and smart.
Lelio: And handsome.
Flaminia: Don't push it.
Lelio: Flaminia, I have a plan.
Flaminia: A plan! What is it?
Lelio: It's a method of achieving something, but that's not important right now. There is one way that your father will HAVE to let you marry me.
Flaminia: Oh, Lelio, what can it be? All you have to do is tell me about it, and I will do it gladly, for you are my one and only love. Your plan will be flawless, I know, because you are the smartest man I have ever met.
Lelio: We must get you pregnant.
Flaminia: You are the dumbest man I have ever met. How dare you insult my chastity! I am going home now, to pout and sulk as only I can do! (she exits)
Lelio: Oh, no! Now what shall I do? Arlecchino!
Arlecchino: (enters) Yes, Lelio?
Lelio: Flaminia does not want to get pregnant.
Arlecchino: I've got it! I will get Columbine pregnant!
Lelio: I don't see how that helps.
Arlecchino: No, but it will be a lot of fun! (Lelio hits him) Ow! What I meant to say was that then, she will confess her condition to Flaminia, who will have no choice but to get pregnant as well, to keep Columbine company!
Lelio: Will this plan work?
Arlecchino: Trust me! I've been trying to get Columbine pregnant for years! (slow realization) It'll never work!
Columbine: (enters) I'm going to have a baby!
Arlecchino: ( We don't know if he didn't hear her or if he is extremely surprised ) What?!
Columbine: You heard me! I'm going to have a baby!
Arlecchino: A baby! (he hugs her) Is it mine?
Columbine: Oh! (she drags him offstage, yelling at him)
Lelio: This is wonderful! (Pantalone enters, unseen) Now that Columbine is having a baby, surely Flaminia will want to have MY baby.
Pantalone: (beats Lelio with his cane) Flaminia won't be having anyone's baby, you lowlife rascal! And stop chasing her! (he chases Lelio offstage)
Scene II
(Enter Flaminia, with Columbine close behind.)
Columbine: Oh, Flaminia, I've got a bun in the oven. I've swallowed a watermelon seed. I'm pregnant.
Flaminia: Heavens to Jupiter! Maybe you should sit down.
Columbine: I'm so worried. If only I knew someone else who was pregnant, then we could share the experience together. I just feel so....alone in my fertility.
Flaminia: So....alone. (aside) If I were to get pregnant, I would be able to marry my Lelio, and Columbine would not feel alone.
Columbine: Yes, yes!
Flaminia: Columbine!
Columbine: Yes?
Flaminia: I will get pregnant, too, so that we can be pregnant together!
Columbine: O joy!
Lelio: (enters) O rapture!
Flaminia: Lelio, take me now! (she unzips his trousers, and buries her head inside. Lelio gives sight and sound gag reactions. Her head reemerges) I think I see its head!
Lelio: Come to me, my precious flower! (they run offstage)
Arlecchino: (enters) What happened?
Columbine: Good news! She thinks she saw its head!
Arlecchino: Really? (he lifts her skirt and searches underneath) I don't see anything.....Oh! Oh! (he reemerges, wearing a skull handpuppet)
The Handpuppet: I knew him, Horatio.
Arlecchino: Horatio? You told me it was mine! (he chases Columbine offstage)
Scene III
(Enter the Doctor and Pantalone.)
Doctor: Pantalone! Your breath smells horrible!
Pantalone: It does?
Doctor: Like spoilt milk. Open your mouth. (the Doctor explores) Yes, I'm afraid we're going to have to take out two or three rotten teeth, Pantalone.
Pantalone: Rotten?
Doctor: Would you like something for the pain?
Pantalone: Oh, yes.
Doctor: Columbine!
Columbine: (enters, now several months pregnant) Yes, doctor! Here are those malpractice lawsuits I was telling you about. (she hands him a stack of papers)
Doctor: This man would like something for the pain.
Columbine: Something for the pain. (she hands him a large mallet. The Doctor hits Pantalone with the mallet.)
Pantalone: That's much better.
Doctor: Scalpel. Forceps. Tweezers. Axe. (Columbine hands him each item as it is called for. Shtick after shtick, with Pantalone gasping and wheezing and crying out in pain or whatever.) Wait! (the Doctor peers down Pantalone's throat.) I think I see something! (Columbine hits the Doctor) I mean....I think I see its head! (Columbine smiles. The Doctor asks Columbine How come I never get to see any tail? (Columbine hits him) Oh! As I was saying, I think I see its head! (The Doctor begins to pull a large snake or something out of Pantalone's mouth. Perhaps it is a tapeworm.) Pantalone! How have you lived all these years with a snake?
Pantalone: Don't you talk about my wife like that! Why, if Ruffiana heard you....
All: (scream) Ruffiana!
Pantalone: Exactly! Why, I remember one time, we were making love....(he pulls out a drawing which shows Pantalone and Ruffiana making love)....here, you can see what kind of a woman she is!
Doctor: I don't think I understand this part here. (points to the drawing)
Pantalone: Oh, that's the part where Ruffiana.....
Flaminia: (enters) Father! Father! I'm pregnant!
Pantalone: Pregnant! How can this be?
Doctor: (points to drawing) I think you were about to explain that.
Pantalone: You don't look pregnant to me.
Flaminia: Oh, I'm not showing yet. (she places a pillow underneath her shirt so that she becomes pregnant-looking) There, now I'm showing.
Doctor: All this talk about pregnancy is making me hungry. Arlecchino!
Arlecchino: (enters dressed as maid) Sir!
Doctor: I'll have the fish.
Arlecchino: Very good, sir. (he hands the Doctor a pink fish)
Flaminia: Father! Father!
Pantalone: Yes, what is it this time?
Flaminia: Now that I'm pregnant, you'll have to let me marry.....Lelio, won't you? (Lelio appears in some noble stance....astride a horse, in military uniform, or something.)
Pantalone: That loser! Give me one good reason...... (Flaminia pats her belly) .....give me two good reasons.....
Flaminia: (Flaminia ruffles with the pillow) I'm having twins.
Pantalone: Oh! (he pulls his hair.....a realization) Flaminia, it's not really up to me. I think you should ask....Ruffiana!
All: (scream) Ruffiana!
Pantalone: Yes, Ruffiana! Aren't those her footsteps now? (all listen) Yes, I think I hear her!
Lelio: Oh, Arlecchino, what will we do?
Arlecchino: Tie Ruffiana up and throw her in the river?
Lelio: Arlecchino, this is no time for dry humor! (Arlecchino squirts him with a cup of water)
Doctor: We must disguise ourselves. That way, Ruffiana will not be able to determine which of us she wants to kill.
Pantalone: That will never work! Ruffiana will be able to tell that we're wearing costumes! We won't look like natural people! (he gestures to his prosthetic nose)
Doctor: We shall put on a play. Ruffiana will think that we are all travelling players, and in her ignorance, she will spare our lives!
All: Yes! (they run about, and huddle behind a piece of fabric. A Mysterious Figure enters, and sits down to watch the play. The audience thinks that the Mysterious Figure is Ruffiana.)
Columbine: (appears from behind fabric wearing masquerade masks. Flaminia is hoisted above the fabric, cradling a baby. The baby is the Handpuppet.)
Handpuppet: I knew him, Horatio. (Flaminia and Handpuppet are lowered out of sight)
Columbine: Meanwhile, the witch, for purposes of her own, revealed how the Baker might remove the spell. (Arlecchino is lifted up above the fabric.)
Arlecchino: You wish to have the verse rehearsed? I'll need a piece of liverwurst. (he holds up a piece of liverwurst, and is lowered out of sight)
Columbine: But the angry mother soon repented, and realized that it was only proper for her daughter to marry the man she loved. (She snatches away the fabric. Arlecchino, Pantalone, and the Doctor all back away from Lelio and Flaminia. All pantomime clapping, but only the Doctor actually claps. It should look like the Doctor is clapping because he is too stupid not to clap.)
Lelio: Flaminia, I mean, whoever, will you marry me.
Flaminia: Lelio, I mean, handsome, you are my twin brother.....I'm not sure that would be legal. (She looks to others in confusion. All express exasperation that she is taking the part so seriously.) But, yes, I will marry you!
(The Mysterious Figure makes a dramatic gesture of alarm.)
Flaminia: Oh, mother, but we love each other! Don't we? (Lelio is not paying attention. Flaminia hits him.)
Lelio: Oh! Yes, we love each other! (they dimple)
(The Mysterious Figure turns away, not convinced. What can satisfy her? Flaminia gestures frantically, and All gather and kneel before the Figure.)
All: Oh, Ruffiana! Have mercy! Their love is a true love!
(The Mysterious Figure shrugs "well, alright!" The Figure removes its cloak to reveal Scapino.)
Scapino: Kids, you've got my blessing. (All are disgusted at this turn of events. Loud footsteps are heard.)
All: Ruffiana! (they scream. All resume their places behind the fabric. Scapino puts back on his cloak and runs around, since he won't fit behind the fabric. He runs behind the fabric, and Pantalone is pushed out the other side [because there is no room....as though it were a long bench]. Pantalone pushes back, and Scapino is pushed back out. Scapino assumes a stance of nonchalance, leaning against an imaginary pole. Another Mysterious Figure [I'm going to call it Ruffiana for simplicity's sake] enters. Ruffiana and Scapino do a double take [sic] when they see each other. They both haunch down, and prowl around each other, like dogs who aren't sure whether they are going to fight or just sniff. Eventually they get close to each other, and sniff. Then they are friends: they shake hands in the manner of a secret society, and give each other a bear hug. The handshake is rhythmic, and turns into a little dance, ending with a kickline. Then Ruffiana has had enough of this, and snaps her fingers. Scapino runs over to the fabric.)
Scapino: (moment of not sure what to do. Snaps his fingers. The fabric shrinks back down, and is rearranged and pulled to tight to read: The Grand Finale.) The Grand Finale!
Ruffiana: (moment of tension before Ruffiana speaks.) Oh, that's much better. (she pulls out the Handpuppet and begins to stroke it in her lap, like a cat.)
Scapino: (as though reading aloud the Bible) And so, he WAS cast out and stepped upon, and his wife and children were beated with a stick, a large stick, and they all became lepers and were killed. (the fabric is lowered. All look at Scapino.)
Columbine: And so, the happy two were wedded..... (Flaminia and Lelio join hands) and everyone lived happily ever after, because their love was a true love.
All: The End. (All bow. When they bow, their maskerade masks all fall off. Ruffiana stands up, and takes off her cloak. All are frightened.)
Ruffiana: Pantalone! (Pantalone crosses to her, timidly.) I think you should wait for me at home. It looks like I'm gonna have to mount you above the fireplace. (Pantalone winces, exits.) Flaminia! (Flaminia comes forward.) You think that love is the answer?
Flaminia: What's the question?
Ruffiana: (moment of consideration) On second thought, love may be all you need. Doctor!
Doctor: Here!
Ruffiana: Marry my daughter...
Doctor: Oh, Ruffiana! (he rubs his hands together at the notion)
Ruffiana: To this young man here.
Lelio: Oh, Ruffiana! (he and Flaminia assume lovers pose)
Ruffiana: And as for you....(to Arlecchino)..... I'll see you at our usual time. (wink, nudge)
Columbine: Oh, Arlecchino! How could you!
(Ruffiana holds up the Handpuppet)
Handpuppet: I knew him, Horatio. (Ruffiana exits dramatically.)
Doctor: (not seeing, he is facing the wrong direction) By the power vested in me by.....Ruffiana....I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Flaminia: Doctor! We're over here! (Doctor finally gets his glasses on)
Doctor: Oh! Then I must have married YOU! (pointing to Columbine and Arlecchino)
Arlecchino: Married! Then you'll have to forgive me!
Columbine: I will?
Lelio: Oh, Doctor, marry us so we can fight, too!
Doctor: I now pronounce you husband and wife. (Flaminia hits Lelio.)
Lelio: Yup, we're married.
All: (turn to face audience) And so, the happy four were wedded, and everyone lived happily ever after, because their love was a true love.
F I N E
